if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
