yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
