It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
