When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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