By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
This beer is not sobering me up at all
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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