so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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