The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
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The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
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I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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