did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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