Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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