Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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