I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
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