there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
