If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
