it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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