What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
This toilet bowl is my home.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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