3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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