i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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