I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
