Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
