Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
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He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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