I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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