this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
