does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
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well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
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I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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