I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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