Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
