ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Duck Duck Cougar?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
