Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Can I color on your dick again?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
