when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
