and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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