I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I faked an abortion last night.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
