I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Boobs speak an international language.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
