**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
