hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
