the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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