just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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