no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
