I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
