I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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