That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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