I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
