mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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