your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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