FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Randomize
