I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
