dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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