I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
