Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
