woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
