I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
