Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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