I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
false alarm. still invincible.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
