His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
