why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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