Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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